Role Play
Dear Children,
Sometimes it is difficult to ascertain if my personality is due to the expectations placed on me as a child or if this is really who I am. You see, I am the eldest of four. After me, there are two sisters and one brother. There is a ten year spread between the eldest and the youngest. Save for the help of your Nana during non-work hours, your Nani single-handedly raise us in the "jungle" (her word to describe the isolated region of the province that we lived in). She didn't have a Mom's group. All her family was in India. And she was a new immigrant trying to adapt in a cold, foreign land.
Understandably, much was demanded of me. I remember cooking my first family meal when I was ten, along with tackling six people's laundry, when my little brother was born. I was expected to take initiative for tasks around the house and look out for the needs of others. I was taught to be responsible, independent, and reliable. Through necessity, I was given the skills to see through a task until completion while navigating through contingencies and worst-case scenarios. I learned to get things done efficiently and effectively. My reward: the satisfaction of a job well done and the words of my parents, "Thank you for doing so much for our family."
Years later, I continued the role carved out for me. While my parents tirelessly made sure my needs were met, I generally took responsibility and ownership of my situation. I skimped and saved for my schooling. I was the "go-to" person for organizing family events and vacations. I selected a career as a teacher, which requires skills in administration. And for the most part, I received a great deal of satisfaction in what I accomplished with my skill set.
Interestingly enough, getting married to your Daddy has brought an amazing amount of clarity in my life. As I got to know him, the youngest in his family, I also learn much about myself, the eldest. I realized I do not always enjoy assuming the role of the typical organized, take-charge-of-the-situation, eldest. Sometimes I just want to relax and let someone else do most of the work! Some days I crave the come-what-may, carefree attitude of the youngest. Most days, I wish I worried less about pleasing/offending others.
The patterns of our existence are fluid and organic instead of static and linear. While I excel at playing my role regardless of negative feelings, I now realize that my role isn’t stamped in stone. What I expect from myself isn’t always right for me (and often my personal expectations are greater than what others expect from me). And negative feelings must be addressed, as a deeper heart issue may be at stake.
Furthermore, the roles we play can become our weakness. When I encounter an unexpected road block in the plan with numerous contingencies in place, I panic! If I find myself in a situation I can’t handle on my own, I struggle to admit I’ve failed. When someone else does most of the work in planning an event and I just show up, I feel guilty. And if certain individuals are not happy with what I say or do, stress gnaws at my insides.
But sometimes being placed outside the comfort-zone of being the eldest is exactly what I need.
In the end, I must remember that God is the source of all my energy, ability, and strength. And when I fail or get cast in a different role, I must cling to the God who is ever gracious as I learn. He doesn’t condemn us in our shortcomings, rather transforms them for good. That is so encouraging!
Children, I know your Dad and I are inadvertently placing you in certain roles. We expect big things from you. We have good intentions. But please know that you do not have to be defined by the role you play. Ultimately, be who you are meant to be, not necessarily what we want you to be. Look to God for that. He knows you intimately. And He will guide you if you let Him.
Love,
Your Eldest Mommy
Sometimes it is difficult to ascertain if my personality is due to the expectations placed on me as a child or if this is really who I am. You see, I am the eldest of four. After me, there are two sisters and one brother. There is a ten year spread between the eldest and the youngest. Save for the help of your Nana during non-work hours, your Nani single-handedly raise us in the "jungle" (her word to describe the isolated region of the province that we lived in). She didn't have a Mom's group. All her family was in India. And she was a new immigrant trying to adapt in a cold, foreign land.
Understandably, much was demanded of me. I remember cooking my first family meal when I was ten, along with tackling six people's laundry, when my little brother was born. I was expected to take initiative for tasks around the house and look out for the needs of others. I was taught to be responsible, independent, and reliable. Through necessity, I was given the skills to see through a task until completion while navigating through contingencies and worst-case scenarios. I learned to get things done efficiently and effectively. My reward: the satisfaction of a job well done and the words of my parents, "Thank you for doing so much for our family."
Years later, I continued the role carved out for me. While my parents tirelessly made sure my needs were met, I generally took responsibility and ownership of my situation. I skimped and saved for my schooling. I was the "go-to" person for organizing family events and vacations. I selected a career as a teacher, which requires skills in administration. And for the most part, I received a great deal of satisfaction in what I accomplished with my skill set.
Interestingly enough, getting married to your Daddy has brought an amazing amount of clarity in my life. As I got to know him, the youngest in his family, I also learn much about myself, the eldest. I realized I do not always enjoy assuming the role of the typical organized, take-charge-of-the-situation, eldest. Sometimes I just want to relax and let someone else do most of the work! Some days I crave the come-what-may, carefree attitude of the youngest. Most days, I wish I worried less about pleasing/offending others.
The patterns of our existence are fluid and organic instead of static and linear. While I excel at playing my role regardless of negative feelings, I now realize that my role isn’t stamped in stone. What I expect from myself isn’t always right for me (and often my personal expectations are greater than what others expect from me). And negative feelings must be addressed, as a deeper heart issue may be at stake.
Furthermore, the roles we play can become our weakness. When I encounter an unexpected road block in the plan with numerous contingencies in place, I panic! If I find myself in a situation I can’t handle on my own, I struggle to admit I’ve failed. When someone else does most of the work in planning an event and I just show up, I feel guilty. And if certain individuals are not happy with what I say or do, stress gnaws at my insides.
But sometimes being placed outside the comfort-zone of being the eldest is exactly what I need.
In the end, I must remember that God is the source of all my energy, ability, and strength. And when I fail or get cast in a different role, I must cling to the God who is ever gracious as I learn. He doesn’t condemn us in our shortcomings, rather transforms them for good. That is so encouraging!
Children, I know your Dad and I are inadvertently placing you in certain roles. We expect big things from you. We have good intentions. But please know that you do not have to be defined by the role you play. Ultimately, be who you are meant to be, not necessarily what we want you to be. Look to God for that. He knows you intimately. And He will guide you if you let Him.
Love,
Your Eldest Mommy