We're Done (What are you living for?)

Mother's Day 2012
During moments of nostalgia, I find myself disclosing my sadness over the passing of my children's infant years to other mothers. And often the response is, "Well, have another one."

(sigh)

I am surrounded by many amazing moms in this community. But in my circle of acquaintances, I am not the norm. I am a mother of two. In this small urban city, it seems like three children is the magical family size. But then again, most of the parents of these families are much younger than us.

I apologize for blogging about this topic again. But I need to process the end. And if you read on, thank you for supporting me, even though it is virtually at this moment.

So, why not Child #3? First, I don't want to add another biological member to our family for the sake of competition. I have been tempted, oh-so-very-much-pressured, to somehow bandage my parental inadequacies by birthing more babies. After all, amazing moms have more kids, right? "She has four kids. Wow, she's a MOM!" Fantastic grandmothers have loads of grandkids, right? "I have 10 grandchildren and three more on the way!"

In all fairness, not everyone views their children has trophies of accomplishments. Instead, these parents possess a healthy pride for the members of their family. But don't you think we are sometimes guilty of making ourselves feel better by procreating? And when we are unable to have children for whatever reason, don't we sometimes wrongfully accuse God of being unfeeling and callous when His sovereignty decides to close a womb either through biology, human choice or circumstances?

(Or am I the only one who has succumbed to such temptations?)

Anyway, why stop at two? To set the record straight, BOTH my husband and I have really struggled through this issue for over a year. I have been more vocal about my thoughts. On the other hand, my husband has been mulling over it internally. In the end, we are both more hesitant than willing to try for number three. The reasons to stop procreating are numerous and include being in our late thirties, suffering from physical injury, facing the inevitable reality of providing care to an ill sister, and finally feeling we can properly manage our responsibilities -- Oh, but you two make such cute children! Plus, there are many women your age that have birthed healthy babies. You could do it if you really wanted to!

(Oh, please stop! I know you are trying to be encouraging. But it's not helping me!)

So, we're done. DONE. It's over. The timing to continue just doesn't feel right anymore.

Last night, I lay awake for about an hour, staring at the ceiling while my husband slept beside me. My mind whirled with confusion. In the end, I prayed, "Lord God, if you believe in your divine goodness and your perfect sovereignty, that we should be blessed with a third child, then either (1) work a miracle in spite of our caution, (2) intervene with dreams or visions to change our minds, or (3) creatively add another child to our lives through a non-biological means. Nonetheless, please, PLEASE, grant me PEACE and help me move on with JOY. I do not want to waste this PRECIOUS time thinking about what might have been. And may I believe what you believe, that I am a BEAUTIFUL Mother by your grace regardless of how many children are entrusted to me. In Jesus' Strong Name: AMEN."

At this moment in time, these words echo in my home through music:

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:3-4

In closing, the video entitled What Are You Living For? featuring Francis Chan provides me with an eternal perspective as I fret about the future. Thank you Mrs. Loquacious for the reminder. Enjoy. And be encouraged, if you feel like me in this moment of time.

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