Holding Pattern (Happy Valentine's Day!)
Endless circling. Waiting and wondering. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Trying to solve that perpetual problem but not finding a satisfactory solution. More circling. More waiting. More thinking. And praying. A holding pattern, that's what I'm in. Just as a pilot awaits instructions from air traffic control as to when and where to land his or her aircraft, I anxiously listen for God's guidance in more than one area of my life.
I believe moving to this new community has been one of the best decisions of my life. (I can't believe I just wrote that!) Leaving dear friends and family behind has actually aided me in gaining new perspectives on certain issues that I thought I had already resolved. In many ways, I believe I am in a better place mentally and physically than I was two years ago. Mentally, I am less influenced by the materialist voices of my society and culture. Physically, I am a few pounds shy of the weight I was in grade twelve. :) I attribute these positive changes to God's mercy and grace.
On the other hand, my mind is in turmoil. But it is a good turmoil, if that makes any sense to you. I am questioning so much. Here is a sample of my conundrums:
(1) What relationships should I seek to pursue in this new community? Whom should I invest in for the sake of my children? Whom should I allow to invest in me? What efforts should I make in going beyond my comfort zone and entering into friendships outside of my church community? When is it appropriate to let a friendship die due to lack of interest or lack of reciprocity?
(2) Is being content with our two beautiful children God's desire for our life, considering we are approaching the big 4-0 within a few years? Or should we seriously contemplate adding child #3? How do we sift through all the pros and cons and truly come to peace about the issue of family size? How do I block out the stay-at-home mom's expectation to have a large family as well as the career woman's desire to keep her family at a managable size? When is the desire to have more children (or the desire to stop procreating) actually selfish?
(3) How do I address the need for global missions (sharing God's Good News through words and actions) while I live in affluence? If I desire to be socially, globally, and environmentally merciful, then how should I allocate funds in our monthly budget to (a) invest in the development of my children (e.g. swimming lessons, sports, etc.); (b) support and bless members of our extended family (e.g. birthday gifts, family emergencies, etc.); (c) maintain and improve material assets (i.e. house renovations, upgrading to energy-star products, etc.); (d) save for retirement; (e) meet monthly expenses; and (e) significantly invest in the needs of the economically/spiritually vulnerable of our community and world? What are reasonable percentages for each category? Or should we just uproot it all and move overseas to reconceptualize everything differently? (Just thought I'd throw the option out for consideration.)
Again, more questions. Not many answers. Thus, I hold and circle some more... Insight or encouragement anyone?
P.S. Happy Valentine's Day! It is WONDERFUL to know that God's love for me is a constant as I wait for answers to my questions.
I believe moving to this new community has been one of the best decisions of my life. (I can't believe I just wrote that!) Leaving dear friends and family behind has actually aided me in gaining new perspectives on certain issues that I thought I had already resolved. In many ways, I believe I am in a better place mentally and physically than I was two years ago. Mentally, I am less influenced by the materialist voices of my society and culture. Physically, I am a few pounds shy of the weight I was in grade twelve. :) I attribute these positive changes to God's mercy and grace.
On the other hand, my mind is in turmoil. But it is a good turmoil, if that makes any sense to you. I am questioning so much. Here is a sample of my conundrums:
(1) What relationships should I seek to pursue in this new community? Whom should I invest in for the sake of my children? Whom should I allow to invest in me? What efforts should I make in going beyond my comfort zone and entering into friendships outside of my church community? When is it appropriate to let a friendship die due to lack of interest or lack of reciprocity?
(2) Is being content with our two beautiful children God's desire for our life, considering we are approaching the big 4-0 within a few years? Or should we seriously contemplate adding child #3? How do we sift through all the pros and cons and truly come to peace about the issue of family size? How do I block out the stay-at-home mom's expectation to have a large family as well as the career woman's desire to keep her family at a managable size? When is the desire to have more children (or the desire to stop procreating) actually selfish?
(3) How do I address the need for global missions (sharing God's Good News through words and actions) while I live in affluence? If I desire to be socially, globally, and environmentally merciful, then how should I allocate funds in our monthly budget to (a) invest in the development of my children (e.g. swimming lessons, sports, etc.); (b) support and bless members of our extended family (e.g. birthday gifts, family emergencies, etc.); (c) maintain and improve material assets (i.e. house renovations, upgrading to energy-star products, etc.); (d) save for retirement; (e) meet monthly expenses; and (e) significantly invest in the needs of the economically/spiritually vulnerable of our community and world? What are reasonable percentages for each category? Or should we just uproot it all and move overseas to reconceptualize everything differently? (Just thought I'd throw the option out for consideration.)
Again, more questions. Not many answers. Thus, I hold and circle some more... Insight or encouragement anyone?
P.S. Happy Valentine's Day! It is WONDERFUL to know that God's love for me is a constant as I wait for answers to my questions.