The Brink

Dear Daughter and Son,

One day, a crisis of faith may rock your world to the very depths of your foundation. As you teeter and tumble, grasping wildly for something – anything! – to rescue you from the plummet to the depths, you frantically scream the question, "GOD, are you REALLY there????" And silence reverberates around you in the chilly chasm of doubt.

At this point in time, I've never been there, truly. My life has been fairly predictable. My relationships (the ones that matter, that is) are loyal. My loved ones surround me and very few close friends or relatives have been lost to sudden death, disease, or disaster. My health has been relatively "normal". My faith has not been tested with persecution or betrayal. Oh, I've had doubts. And I still do. But not the deep doubts that have the potential to shake the very core of my values.

No so for your Daddy. A seventeen month encounter with the dark underbelly of the institutionalized church challenged everything that mattered.

I remember when I first met your Daddy. I deferred being his girlfriend for three months while I assessed him, my mysterious blind date. I asked a lot of questions. Tons! Your Daddy patiently answered them. Or responded with more questions. And doubts.

So I doubted. About him. His faith seemed unsteady. Unsettled. And more liberal than mine.

One day, I did a Google search and found your Daddy's blog. While it doesn't exist now, I was captivated and alarmed by his words then:

There was a time in my life when everything was black and white. The Bible was completely true and literal. The church was flawless. Right-wing capitalism was the best. Left-wing socialism was one step from Stalinism. Those with belief in Jesus and a proper doctrinal understanding of Christian truths would go to Heaven. Everyone else would spend eternity in Hell (serves 'em right, those b*st*rds). “Real Christianity” did not mix with smoking, booze, profanity and human philosophy. Going to church and getting involved in its programs was the mark of true spirituality and maturity. People who skipped church were either hell-bound or backsliders with fading moments to get their salvation back. All wars were bad and Christians were to be set apart from such violence. The best way to steward your money and bring about God's kingdom was to give to the local church budget. Oh yes, and Christians can't be rich. A pre-millennial, pre-tribulation understanding of the Book of Revelation was the only true interpretation to understand what will happen in "the last days." Everyone living in R. (our rival small town) was a pompous jerk. Everyone living in beloved B. got along like peas and carrots... 

Over time, things changed. Through experience and thought and dialogue, I came to think the opposite on a lot of the above issues (if I retained a stance at all). The world became a much more obscure place to live. Not only did the easy answers disappear, so did the easy questions. The closer I got to the religious institution, the more disillusioned I became with North America's version of living out a faith in Jesus Christ. Was it just my personality? Was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Was it a surface problem or something deeper? What kind of assumptions were most of us bringing to the table? Were any of the assumptions valid?...

Evidently, I was becoming a liberal. But just how liberal I was going to become was unclear. How liberal does a person get before they leave their faith and eternal salvation behind? Was loving God and loving people (however that is defined) enough? And could anyone know for sure?

 (GASP!) I remember reading this and feeling overwhelmed. Should I even bother pursuing someone who seemed so shaky in his beliefs?

Yet, there something about your Daddy's words that struck a cord within me. He asked questions about stuff I wondered about, but buried in the depths of my soul for years. After all, good Christian women shouldn't think about such things.

I was intrigued and spent more time with your Daddy. I was curious if any resolution was reached after years of questioning. Because, if he came through all that, and still believed, then his faith would be stronger and more authentic. It would be a testament to the power of gracious and loving God. It would serve as hope to those in the midst of doubt and questioning.

Your Daddy continued in that blog post dated almost a decade ago,

I still believe there is a seed or remnant of faith still inside me somewhere. Yet there is a lot of religion and false belief that I wish to forever discard. How do I distinguish between the two? There's so much about church that I despise and find ridiculous and useless and distracting from Jesus' true message. Maybe I want to see something genuine actually happen. But maybe I'm still so jaded and cynical that I'd be blind to it anyway.

Dear Creator of Space, Time and Everything in Between, how do I find YOU in all this craziness, sh*t, distraction, sin, relational tension, gender conflict, greed, money, pride, stupidity, lack of thinking, excess of thinking, politics, desire for control (both for our lives and for the lives of other people)? I know there's a lot going on in the world (I get overwhelmed by it so I'm not sure how you stand it for so long) and my concerns and frustrations pale in comparison even to the stuff going on in my own family, so I understand if the answers are not forthcoming. Mind you, the questions are not even clear. So I'll just keep studying my calculus and chemistry and finding YOU there. It's honestly the closest I've come to a “religious experience” in a long time.

Eventually, I did fall in love with your Daddy and married him. I witnessed him discarding much false belief, which motivated me, and continues to motivate me, to do the same. I realized that our faith was not as polar as I originally imagined. We were on the "same page" so to speak, though accepting different interpretations on some of the non-critical issues.

And I valued the integrity of his faith, the precious quality of his beliefs since they were tested by fire. It isn't something I have experienced yet, to the same extent, anyway. But I pray that if I go through such trials, or if either of you go through such agony of spirit, that we will ALL come out stronger – wiser – and more at peace with the ambiguity that exists in comprehending infinite God with our mortal intellect.

I also pray that those who love us, and are more steady in our faith, will wait patiently until we surface from the brink. (And thank you to those faithful friends who did just that for my husband years ago.)

Love,
Your Mother