Twinge, Urge, Hope
A Twinge...
There are days I feel a twinge of envy. A tiny feeling of regret trickles up from the depths of my being and forms a lump in my throat. No more newborns of mine will be cradled in these arms again.
A few moms in my circle of acquaintances are beaming as they carry life within. It is beautiful to watch their anticipation and excitement. A new name. A new personality. A new collection of soft sleepers to embrace the distinct fragrance of infant skin. It is magical.
My son is potty trained. I braced myself for the stereotypical battle with the male gender. I was delightfully surprised. In three days, he abandoned his diapers in favor of boy underwear. He was more than ready.
I washed my cloth diapers for the last time and stored them for a potential buyer. It's hard to believe. This stage is over. Except for the "do-do" at night time, my son is a "big little boy" now.
On the whole, I feel good. Those intense days as a nursing mother are behind me. While my husband and I rarely experience a night without some child's cry, we feel mostly normal again.
But I sometimes feel that twinge, that longing to procreate and participate in the mystery called life.
The Urge...
Last week I fought the urge to completely judge a couple for their appearance and behaviour. There was the man, dressed in designer best, wearing those trendy metro-sexual shoes with an exaggerated toe cap. His wife, in colorful skinny jeans, was placidly scrolling on her iPhone, checking those oh-so-important messages while her toddler daughter played with a Disney Princess doll nearby. This family is ever so loosely connected to me. I know their occupations. I know some of their family. And I know their socio-economic status surpasses me. It was in that moment that I wanted to judge them for this richness and wealth. I wanted to conclude they were selfish and that I was so much more sacrificial than they. I desired proof that their lifestyles bind them to materialism, the materialism that I am so not controlled by (or so I vainly think).
How dare I assume the worst of this family, especially when I hardly know them?
Pharisaical am I. Proud. Self-righteousness. My spirit needs transformation and realignment.
My Hope...
Dear Lord,
Revolutionize my thinking, my life, my attitude to be in line with you, Jesus Christ. Forgive me for my ungratefulness, my discontentment, my longing to elevate myself at the expense of others. Guide me to true self-less-ness instead of self-abasement. Banish envy from my psyche. I need your humility to envelope me.
Your Daughter,
Rain
There are days I feel a twinge of envy. A tiny feeling of regret trickles up from the depths of my being and forms a lump in my throat. No more newborns of mine will be cradled in these arms again.
A few moms in my circle of acquaintances are beaming as they carry life within. It is beautiful to watch their anticipation and excitement. A new name. A new personality. A new collection of soft sleepers to embrace the distinct fragrance of infant skin. It is magical.
My son is potty trained. I braced myself for the stereotypical battle with the male gender. I was delightfully surprised. In three days, he abandoned his diapers in favor of boy underwear. He was more than ready.
I washed my cloth diapers for the last time and stored them for a potential buyer. It's hard to believe. This stage is over. Except for the "do-do" at night time, my son is a "big little boy" now.
On the whole, I feel good. Those intense days as a nursing mother are behind me. While my husband and I rarely experience a night without some child's cry, we feel mostly normal again.
But I sometimes feel that twinge, that longing to procreate and participate in the mystery called life.
The Urge...
Last week I fought the urge to completely judge a couple for their appearance and behaviour. There was the man, dressed in designer best, wearing those trendy metro-sexual shoes with an exaggerated toe cap. His wife, in colorful skinny jeans, was placidly scrolling on her iPhone, checking those oh-so-important messages while her toddler daughter played with a Disney Princess doll nearby. This family is ever so loosely connected to me. I know their occupations. I know some of their family. And I know their socio-economic status surpasses me. It was in that moment that I wanted to judge them for this richness and wealth. I wanted to conclude they were selfish and that I was so much more sacrificial than they. I desired proof that their lifestyles bind them to materialism, the materialism that I am so not controlled by (or so I vainly think).
How dare I assume the worst of this family, especially when I hardly know them?
Pharisaical am I. Proud. Self-righteousness. My spirit needs transformation and realignment.
My Hope...
Dear Lord,
Revolutionize my thinking, my life, my attitude to be in line with you, Jesus Christ. Forgive me for my ungratefulness, my discontentment, my longing to elevate myself at the expense of others. Guide me to true self-less-ness instead of self-abasement. Banish envy from my psyche. I need your humility to envelope me.
Your Daughter,
Rain