The Substitute
The life of a substitute teacher is far from glamorous. Well, my life in particular. With an availability schedule that is every other day (because of J.'s KG) along with a system that requires the teacher to find their own substitute teacher, I am averaging two calls a month.
Definitely not glamorous income-wise.
It is difficult not to become discouraged. And for a person like me who thrives under affirmation and avoids situations that lead to failure, I feel exactly that -- a failure. And it is tough, when you know that you are a good teacher -- definitely better than average -- with years of education (sorry if that sounded prideful). Yet, at best, I'm a twice-a-month substitute, carrying out someone else's plans which usually consists of much supervision and glorified "baby-sitting". Ugh.
For years, I have felt in control of my destiny. I am a control-freak. Intellectually I know that God is ultimately in control. Yet, I often operate as if it all depends on me. As a high school student I was ridiculously focused. I knew what I wanted to do after Grade Twelve. I desired to be a teacher. So I went to university, completed four years of schooling and landed an awesome job in my teaching area in a neighboring province. After a few years, I felt the urge to teach overseas. Did it. Then I wanted to complete my Masters. Accomplish that. Eventually I married (that part of my life I desperately petitioned God's Divine Help for, as I couldn't control love). I birthed two children (and I am very thankful to God they are healthy and happy). Then I began the journey as a stay-at-home Mom, which I wanted to do. Essentially, career-wise, I choose the course of action and it happened (of course, God opened the doors).
Now I feel lost. Things are not working out as I imagined. And my hope of ever landing that half-time position keeps diminishing just as the winter sun.
If I step away from my melancholy and look at things spiritually, I know, in my heart of hearts, that this is a good place to be. Truthfully, I don't want to be here at all! I feel like crap. I feel worthless. And there are those low moments with I resent my husband that he has his perfect job and I don't.
Yet, maybe this is part of my refinement as a child of God, another opportunity for me to go deeper in my faith, a chance for dreams to crash and burn so more beautiful dreams can replace them. I don't know, really. I just hope there is a purpose in this career void.
Nonetheless, what I am experiencing right now makes me appreciate my parents a whole lot more. When my parents immigrated to Canada in the early seventies, this land was seen as a land of opportunity. My parents has no idea that opportunity meant living in and near an Indian reservation in the middle of nowhere. My Dad taught Gr. 6 on the reservation. My Mom stayed home, raised four children with the assistance of my Dad, and occasionally substitute taught. They bought an acreage full of problems. It was insanely cold. They hardly had any friends and some of their Canadian relatives were not the most supportive. And my Mom's entire family was (and still is) in India. Welcome to Canada. Welcome to disappointment.
My parents haven't fully reconciled the reason why they had to live in the "jungle" as my Mom describes it. My Dad is able to provide a rationale for the experience more, as he ministered to the First Nations people in his classroom. My Mom finds it much more difficult to understand why. My Mom is highly educated as well, and it can be tough for a highly educated woman to be the homemaker 24/7. Yet, they both resign to God's Will. It was what it was. And God allowed it.
So, my situation pales in comparison to my Mother. I am not living in the middle of nowhere (though all you big city dwellers may think so). I have supportive friends and relatives. My parents are about a 2.75 hour drive away from here. And the climate and culture in this region is not a shock, as I have lived most of my life in this province. True, my career is lackluster. But life could be a whole lot worse.
Thus today, I will spend it as if I went to work. I know, this may seem like a strange conclusion to the matter, but I will do no housework. Forget it! The breakfast dishes can stay on the counter. I will not fold those towels sitting in the dryer downstairs or clean the washrooms. I will avoid the urge to pull out my flowers that were still blooming until the frost two days ago. Instead, I think I will go for a walk. Do some yoga. Maybe scrapbook a few pages. Surf the net for Christmas card ideas. Take a nap. Today I choose to not mope over my career-less-ness. Today I choose to not make myself productive at home to "earn my keep" so to speak. Instead I will revel in the things that God has wired me to enjoy in my spare time. And maybe in the quietness of today, I'll hear God's voice, whispering to me some encouragement or direction. Because that is what this substitute teacher needs today.
Definitely not glamorous income-wise.
It is difficult not to become discouraged. And for a person like me who thrives under affirmation and avoids situations that lead to failure, I feel exactly that -- a failure. And it is tough, when you know that you are a good teacher -- definitely better than average -- with years of education (sorry if that sounded prideful). Yet, at best, I'm a twice-a-month substitute, carrying out someone else's plans which usually consists of much supervision and glorified "baby-sitting". Ugh.
For years, I have felt in control of my destiny. I am a control-freak. Intellectually I know that God is ultimately in control. Yet, I often operate as if it all depends on me. As a high school student I was ridiculously focused. I knew what I wanted to do after Grade Twelve. I desired to be a teacher. So I went to university, completed four years of schooling and landed an awesome job in my teaching area in a neighboring province. After a few years, I felt the urge to teach overseas. Did it. Then I wanted to complete my Masters. Accomplish that. Eventually I married (that part of my life I desperately petitioned God's Divine Help for, as I couldn't control love). I birthed two children (and I am very thankful to God they are healthy and happy). Then I began the journey as a stay-at-home Mom, which I wanted to do. Essentially, career-wise, I choose the course of action and it happened (of course, God opened the doors).
Now I feel lost. Things are not working out as I imagined. And my hope of ever landing that half-time position keeps diminishing just as the winter sun.
If I step away from my melancholy and look at things spiritually, I know, in my heart of hearts, that this is a good place to be. Truthfully, I don't want to be here at all! I feel like crap. I feel worthless. And there are those low moments with I resent my husband that he has his perfect job and I don't.
Yet, maybe this is part of my refinement as a child of God, another opportunity for me to go deeper in my faith, a chance for dreams to crash and burn so more beautiful dreams can replace them. I don't know, really. I just hope there is a purpose in this career void.
Nonetheless, what I am experiencing right now makes me appreciate my parents a whole lot more. When my parents immigrated to Canada in the early seventies, this land was seen as a land of opportunity. My parents has no idea that opportunity meant living in and near an Indian reservation in the middle of nowhere. My Dad taught Gr. 6 on the reservation. My Mom stayed home, raised four children with the assistance of my Dad, and occasionally substitute taught. They bought an acreage full of problems. It was insanely cold. They hardly had any friends and some of their Canadian relatives were not the most supportive. And my Mom's entire family was (and still is) in India. Welcome to Canada. Welcome to disappointment.
My parents haven't fully reconciled the reason why they had to live in the "jungle" as my Mom describes it. My Dad is able to provide a rationale for the experience more, as he ministered to the First Nations people in his classroom. My Mom finds it much more difficult to understand why. My Mom is highly educated as well, and it can be tough for a highly educated woman to be the homemaker 24/7. Yet, they both resign to God's Will. It was what it was. And God allowed it.
So, my situation pales in comparison to my Mother. I am not living in the middle of nowhere (though all you big city dwellers may think so). I have supportive friends and relatives. My parents are about a 2.75 hour drive away from here. And the climate and culture in this region is not a shock, as I have lived most of my life in this province. True, my career is lackluster. But life could be a whole lot worse.
Thus today, I will spend it as if I went to work. I know, this may seem like a strange conclusion to the matter, but I will do no housework. Forget it! The breakfast dishes can stay on the counter. I will not fold those towels sitting in the dryer downstairs or clean the washrooms. I will avoid the urge to pull out my flowers that were still blooming until the frost two days ago. Instead, I think I will go for a walk. Do some yoga. Maybe scrapbook a few pages. Surf the net for Christmas card ideas. Take a nap. Today I choose to not mope over my career-less-ness. Today I choose to not make myself productive at home to "earn my keep" so to speak. Instead I will revel in the things that God has wired me to enjoy in my spare time. And maybe in the quietness of today, I'll hear God's voice, whispering to me some encouragement or direction. Because that is what this substitute teacher needs today.