Being Real

At some point in my life I became a skeptic. Gone are the days when I blindly believed the words preached from the pulpit, dutifully performed all the advice given by professionals, and enthusiastically accepted all the ideas and traditions proposed by time honored institutions. Now, I can't help but think, analyse, question, and critique.

I don't think I am a negative, pessimistic person. Rather, I am a realist who strongly values consistency. Believe me, I do not wake up in the morning and say to myself, "Today I aim to find inconsistencies in this person's thinking or this organization's way of doing things." It. Just. Happens. Most days, I let the thoughts pass while imparting grace on the situation. Other days, the thoughts niggle on my mind, so much so that I have to bring it up.

I must admit, there are moments when I wonder if your Daddy and I as well as a few select friends and family are part of a minority that thinks this way. More so, are we an even smaller subsection of skeptics because at times we feel we have to speak up? I don't know.

Regardless, ever since I moved to this small city, I have embraced honesty and forthrightness more than I have ever have in all my years past. Maybe it is because I am part of a new family unit that consists of your Daddy, you two children, and myself. I am further from my parents geographically, so it is easier to cleave to my husband and his ways of thinking. And, to be honest, I don't have much to lose in this community. People have to accept me for who I am now (because that is all they see and know). And even though I may come across as a woman who speaks her mind, it is a struggle for me. Because, I am the people-pleaser who wants to be accepted into the cool crowd. Yet, year after year in school and society, I was stuck with the un-cool, the geeks, the people on the outside. And now I accept that as God's providence (after all, your Daddy was stuck in the same group too!).

I am learning to walk according to what I believe even though it means I will traverse this lifetime with only a few like-minded kindred spirits. Maybe I am finally emerging in this corner of the prairies and embracing who God made me to be. Maybe this is just part of the natural evolution of my personality as I exercise my free will within God's Will. Nonetheless, I am different that I was three years ago when I arrived here. My core beliefs about God and His Son and His Spirit are the same. But my beliefs or expectations of myself have changed. To name a few, I am a recovering perfectionist. I am a control freak who needs grace and flexibility. I must not hide behind fear when I wish to speak my mind. I need to breathe deeply when I am anxious. I will speak the truth in love, even though it may mean relationships will be lost. I will find peace in being content with what I have instead of what I don't have. I need humility. But I have strengths and it is not pride to admit them. I am beautiful. I have a measure of health to be grateful for, even though I am struggling with some issues. I am blessed. I can think and should think and will think. I am brilliant in some areas and down right stupid in others. I will forget the illusion of balance. I will make new friends with people on the outside. I am Indian and Mennonite for the sake of you children. I choose to be thankful because I have no good reason not to be. I will participate in the stories of newcomers in honour of my parents' struggles as immigrants. I will accept generosity towards myself and I will extend generosity to others. I will stop playing the heroine of the family and start being me.

So help me, my Dear Saviour and Lord.

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