Gardener of My Soul

I spend yesterday morning digging in dirt. Weeds were removed, little holes were made, delicate roots of bedding plants were embedded, and the soil was firmly patted all around the green growth. Afterwards, fertilizer was mixed in water and the new plants received a refreshing drink courtesy of my dark green watering can.

And I said a little prayer afterwards (as silly as it may sound), that my transformed flower bed will grow and thrive and multiply.

I am not a professional gardener by any means. Truthfully, I am a novice. But I am learning. And I do enjoy it. There is something therapeutic about planting, pruning, weeding, and harvesting (especially when my kids are under the care of my husband). Plus I have way more conversations with my neighbors when I'm puttering around in the front yard trying to maintain the largest flower bed on the block!

And all of this gardening has made me think about my own life, my own spiritual journey. Lately, I have been rediscovering my Faith through the eyes of my children. Some questions are still very difficult to answer.
"Why is this man hurt?" my daughter asks as she points to a picture of a wounded soldier in her Picture Bible.

"Because God asked His people to fight against this man's country," comes my less than adequate reply. All the while I wonder, "How do I explain the conquest of Canaan to a five-year old when I don't even understand it myself?"
Other truths seems so simple, so basic: Love God. Love People. (Though, how do you explain loving God with your soul?)

In the meanwhile, I struggle with my own personal "devotion" to God. My children are like the new bedding plants who need so much more nurturing than a plant whose roots are firmly established. I've been in the Faith for more than three decades. My growth is not as dramatic as when I first made a commitment to follow Christ.

But the question is, "Am I still growing?"

I've had to reconcepualize what it means to seek God at this stage of life. Gone are my regular hours of prayer in the morning. Gone are my in depth Bible studies. Even personal daily Bible reading is a stretch. Things changed so much when our two children blessed our lives.

Nonetheless, there are days I do feel guilty. I read of others, who are in the same season of life as myself, rising early and devoting the first hour to the Lord while clinging on to the "axiom" that their day will be better since they began it with God.

I guess I'm cursed since I snatch every minute of sleep that I can get, roll out of bed, and start running after kids.

I do not want to pretend or trick myself in believing that I have arrived spiritually or that my current method of seeking God is more than good enough. On the other hand, I do not want to strive, empowered by myself, to become more of a Follower. Rather, I desire for God to change me, to reconceptualize my spirituality to match my current reality, and to reinvent what it means for me to seek Him. After all, the plant just grows while the gardener provides. Could it be that simple?

My sporadic Bible reading includes 1 Thessalonians these days. And there is one passage that has recently encouraged me:
"Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (NLT, emphasis added)
Dear Gardener of my Soul: I surrender myself to you.

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