What I Really Want

I'm tired. Doesn't help that I woke up four times last night to various needs of my two little ones. Doesn't help that I experimented with creating Aloo Tikka (potato patties) with left over mashed potatoes only to chuck the whole batch in the garbage because it tasted strange to everyone. Doesn't help that I'm reading David Platt's Radical and realize how far I am from what Jesus challenged us to be as His followers. Doesn't help that I'm using the phrase "Doesn't help" over and over and over again!

Today seems like such a contrast from yesterday, where I giddily prepared homemade cinnamon buns to celebrate our family Christmas and mark a New Year. My kids licked their lips with delight as they savoured tender morsels of gooey goodness. Their eyes lit up with excitement to discover what was under Christmas wrapping. Our family pictures to mark the event were goofy and silly. The day was beautiful and joyous.

But today I feel discontent. I desire more from life. I long to be the change I want to see in the world. I want my family and I to make a difference in our community and in our world. But most importantly, I crave to know Christ more, even though I am scared to discover more truth.

I could sit here and resolve away as to what I hope to do to accomplish my goal this year. But, like I said before, I'm tired. I'm tired of scheming, planning, weighing, contemplating, analyzing, thinking, meditating, figuring, and dreaming. I just want to be what Christ already sees in me. And I'm not sure how to do even that!

Thus I stand here, looking out at the next stretch of months. Winter into spring. Spring into summer. Summer into autumn. And I feel clueless as to what to do other than the usual. Oh, how I wish for divine visions to launch me into action or incomprehensible peace to live as is!

Meanwhile I pray the words of Nichole Nordeman* to my Maker, my God:

It's well past midnight and I'm awake with questions that won't wait for daylight. Separating fact from my imaginary fiction on this shelf of my conviction. I need to find a place where you and I come face to face... I really want to know you. I want to make each day a different way that I can show you how I really want to know you. Be patient with my doubt, I'm just trying to figure out your will. I really want to know you still... No more camping on the porch of indecision. No more sleeping under stars of apathy. And it might be easier to dream. But dreaming's not for me.

Pray for me as I pray for those of you who feel the same way.

*L., thanks for the "Wide Eyed" CD. It has been a blessing to my questioning spirit.

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