Our Marriages: Who's Responsible?

Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy with not see the Lord. Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. (Hebrews 12:14-15)

I had the privilege of witnessing two beautiful wedding ceremonies during the month of July. While the style of each wedding was different, the spirit behind the event was identical. In front of beaming family and friends, two individuals pledged to be faithful to the each other until the end of their days. Furthermore, the witnesses on the stage as well as in the pews were exhorted to support the couples in fulfilling their vows. It brought back wonderful memories of our special day.

Yet I ask, in honest sincerity, how do we support couples in fulfilling their vows?

Why do I ask? Ever since my husband and I began our marriage only a few years ago, I have encountered several marriages within my circle of friends and family who are in the process of breakdown. In some cases, the couples have reach an impasse. They have ceased being friends, let alone lovers. Instead, they live in the same space as roommates. Others have been wounded by infidelity. Trust doesn't exist, emotional pain abounds. And a few have decided to end it all and move on. It has been heartwrenching to watch!

In some of these cases, I question myself, "What could I have done to prevent the state that these marriages have entered?" In other words, what is my responsibility as a friend? What is my responsibility as a family member? And when is it a couple's responsibility to yell out in desperation, "We need help here!"

As I struggled with finding answers to these questions, I came across an interesting article entitled Happy Marriages by Nancy Marie Brown. Brown summaries a fascinating study conducted by Alan Booth and Paul Amato, two sociologists from Penn State University. The study investigated reasons for divorce. Here are a few interesting facts from the article. Keep in mind that these are findings from only one particular study.

Divorce escalated in the 1970's, around the same time when women began to enter the work force. However, an increase in female employment was not a contributing factor to divorce as previously imagined by traditionalists. Instead, dual income families increased a spirit of egalitarianism between spouses, thereby producing happier marriages.

While divorce is difficult on the well-being of children, it is particular detrimental on offspring within a low conflict marriage as opposed to a high conflict marriage. In the former case, the separation comes as a complete shock to the children involve. On the other hand, children who are part of high conflict marriages actually do just as well after the divorce as children living within intact marriages regardless of type.

Divorce isn't a cure for marital problems. People who divorce and enter another marriage with the thought that it will be easier are often disappointed. It isn't easier. It is just different.

Children of divorced parents are two times more likely to divorce their spouse over a lower threshold of problems than their parents. On the other hand, if children watch their parents work out marital problems, they are less likely to see divorce as an option.

Strong interpersonal skills are essential for a healthy marriage. Listening skills and the ability to compromise are key.

Couples who "live together" prior to marriage are more likely to get divorced than couples who do not. Often cohabitating couples are unconventional and enter their relationship with less thought. And sometimes, these couples are pressured to get married (especially once children arrive). However, since they are unconventional and often less religious, divorce is an acceptable option to resolving conflict once married.

Interestingly enough, you are less likely to get divorced if you own a home as a married couple. Many couples would rather work through their marriages than go through the headache of dividing up the assets.

Keep in mind, I am not writing this post to judge others. Neither am I condemning family and friends for the difficulties in their marriages. And, by no means am I suggesting that people who have travelled through the agony of divorce are forever doomed or complete failures. Some marriage situations are extremely dangerous, and dare I say, beyond repair. Instead, I am trying to understand the possible reasons why people can progress from the joyous euphoria of their wedding day to waking up one morning, glancing at their spouse, and coldly stating, "I don't love you anymore." I have other theories and suppositions in addition to Booth and Amato. But I'll let them be the source of conversation with people in the hear and now.

In the meanwhile, I wish we as a society did a better job at helping others through their marriages. I wish that our support in our friends and family's vows went beyond a customary reply of affirmation during a wedding ceremony. But, I wish I knew how to help other than the cliche statement, "I'll pray for you." (I am not discounting the power of prayer. However, I believe that Christians can be tempted to use that phrase to sound spiritual.)

In closing, our relationships with our spouses will contain inevitable highs and lows. But I truly believe that if we are willing to work through the trials (and especially work through our own personal baggage), our marriages will become stronger as a result.

May God grant you peace within your marriage.