Family Gatherings

The month of August has been filled with many family gatherings to celebrate significant events in people’s lives. While my side has fourteen members, your Daddy’s side has more than double the amount. At our most recent gathering, twenty-six individuals (plus three dogs) ranging from age 3 to 85 partook in a meal together at the many tables in and outside the house. It was a good time.

I grew up in a more formal household. The formality was partially due to my East-Indian ethnicity as well as the educational background of your Nana and Nani, who were both teachers. As a result, there were big expectations attached to yearly events such as Christmas and birthdays. And there was even bigger expectations placed on those one-in-a-lifetime occasions like a wedding or a significant anniversary.

These events tended to be professional, extravagant, and over-the-top (and if you scored a deal while securing gifts, decorations, or food, it was even better). It seemed like it was a matter of honor, that is, the honor of the people being celebrated as well as the honor of the people organizing the celebrations. After all, why bake a small cake when you can purchase a huge $19.99 professional Costco cake so everyone can enjoy cake three days in a row? Because (1) the giver feels good getting something huge for the person he or she loves at a smashing price (and with very little effort); (2) the receiver is impressed by the huge cake; and (3) the guests can stuff themselves silly. Seems…logical…?

On top of it, everyone was under pressure to make it one memorable, and happy, time. People had to connect. People had to feel affirmed and appreciated. So everyone worked hard in meeting everyone else’s needs, especially your Nani. Yet, inadvertently, there were times when all the hype and excitement caused emotions to peek and spill over in a teary mess. Inevitable, right?

I believe, through time and observation, my family has matured. We are learning to acknowledge, and even anticipate, the imperfections while holding to our traditions. Our Yellowstone trip was just that. At one point, we were rehearsing a Hindi Christian song for your Nana & Nani. Several of us were uncomfortable with how rough it sounded. We were having difficulties with the lyrics, since they were not in our first language. I suggested we divide up the song amongst the siblings, who were more familiar with the language, and have everyone else join in for the chorus. My sister reminded us, aptly, that this song was not a matter of perfection but a matter of community. We agreed wholeheartedly and did our best. It was definitely not award winning due to the entertaining antics of you two as well as our mispronunciations. But it was beautiful. And your Nana and Nani were in tears because everyone, including their Caucasian and Korean in-laws, was singing a song they loved so much.

I am also learning to bring these lessons to your Daddy’s side of the family while adapting to their family culture. I observe that they are much more home-grown, home-made, down-to-earth than my family. Why buy a store-bought cake when you can lovingly prepare one yourself from scratch and decorate it the way you want for the person you are celebrating, even if it takes more time? Why cater an event when you have many, many helpers to throw together a delicious roast beef dinner with all the fixings for sixty guests (something that would totally stress my family out). Why plan too much in advance when you can figure out a program the night before, face-to-face, and do it well (while my family planned the Yellowstone “formal dinner” program a month previous via e-mail)? Because that is the way your Daddy’s family does things. Because, there are many ways to celebrate.

In the meanwhile, I am also expecting things not to be perfect on your Daddy’s side as well. In particular, I now acknowledge that my ability to connect with every sibling in a meaningful fashion during some family event is practically impossible (too many permutations and combinations). This time, I armed myself with reality and concluded, “If I can have one deep, affirming conversation with just one family member, then I’d be content!” That goal was accomplished and I walked away from the gathering satisfied. (Your Dad feels satisfied when he can play a game with each of his siblings. That’s his contentment standard.:))

I am not sure how our little family’s culture will evolve due to the influences of our ethnicities. We probably will be a bit of both: down-to-earth while being over-the-top. Only time will tell.

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