This Number

The doorbell rang. I opened the door. It was one of the cabinet makers that I had asked to provide an estimate to rebuilt our kitchen. With a thank you, I took the paper and ran up the stairs. My heart raced as I skimmed through the details we had discussed earlier. Then I reached the bottom of the sheet. The price. I caught my breath. My dreams of a remodelled kitchen sank like the Titanic.

"We can't afford this," I whispered under my breath as my little toddler danced around my feet.

I walked back to the kitchen and scrutinized it for the millionth time. Dark wood. Scuff marks. Cracked back splash. Chipped counter top. Scratched sink. My brand new white appliances seemed ridiculously out of place.

"Oh, yes, we could take out a fantastic loan equivalent to a brand new domestic car and wallow in debt for awhile. And true, we were willing to increase our mortgage by about 3.5%, if need be. But this number, THIS NUMBER is too much," I protested.

Ugh. A black cloud overshadowed my mood. My stress level rose. This mind of mine started to calculate and scheme and plan in order to solve the new problem. I raced to the computer and researched this and that while my little girl asked in the background, "Mommy, show pictures?"

"Not right now," I replied firmly, "I'm working."

Thoughts of reason penetrated my frenzy. "Remember when you boarded the plane to work overseas? You had two suitcases. You had to limit your earthly belongings to 140 pounds. Remember how you felt?"

"I felt free," I answered. Memories of my overseas adventure overtook me. Walking into my rented flat and feeling content. Receiving hand-me-down dishes and furniture with thankfulness. Watching others with a bit of distaste as they upgraded their flats to bigger and better. I didn't want the talons of materialism to grasp my soul.

"Now I walk into homes and study their paint choices, flooring options, and kitchen cabinetry. And I covet. I'm envious," I sighed. Then the regrets, ALL the complains rose up. "I WISH we were handy people! Yes, we can tell you how to factor a rational function, graph it while paying special attention to asymptotes and zeros. Pretty useless stuff, if you ask me! Our renovating capacities are limited to changing light bulbs, greasing squeaky hinges, painting the odd room, and other simple do-it-yourself jobs. If only we didn't have to resort to PROFESSIONALS! The thought of trying to fix this kitchen BY OURSELVES is terrifying!"

My barrage of complains were muted with these questions, "Where is the fine line between using God's resources wisely and engaging in self-satisfying materialism? When is it okay to spend a chunk of change on beautifying our living space? And when are we spending too much on building our earthly castle when God's house lays in shambles?"*

Yesterday, I spoke to a close friend on the phone. "How are you doing," she asked.

"Oh, you know me, I'm a perfectionist. I like this house BUT I'm itching to change this paint color or do something about our kitchen."

"I understand," she replied, "As homemakers, we spend a lot of time inside our homes --"

"Yes --" I quickly added, about to go into a line of reasoning to justify my misplaced need to drastically change my living quarters.

"But, we need to learn to be content with what we have," she finished.

I was silenced. Not on purpose, but by her wisdom.

That paper with the estimated quote has been filed away, for now. I'm not sure what to do, or what is the right thing to do. All I know is that I am tired of being obsessed with these thoughts. I desire to be content with my home. I want to divert my attention from the walls, the cabinets, and the floors for a while and focus on the little toddler dancing around my feet.

"Mommy jump?" she implored.

"Okay! Let's jump," I exclaimed as we hopped goofily around the room. For one delightful moment, this number didn't matter.

*While the questions appear rhetorical, your insight and perspective would be appreciated.

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