Feeling like Eeyore

I know that my readership has dwindled down to practically nil and I sit here typing thoughts to a devoid audience (anyone out there???). Yet, I wish to document this moment of struggle.

My teaching contract with the local school board ended in June. There isn't a place for me in the fall. In a need to reduce operating costs to address government cutbacks in education, the fat was trimmed. Extra teachers are a financial drain on the system. Payroll is a huge cost. Thus my exit.

I am processing this change with much less grace than I anticipated. Some days I am incredibly sad and end up blubbering through an entire church service, scared that my mascara is creating raccoon eyes on my face. Other days I am filled with anger and regret, screaming all the "why?" questions in my head while plastering on "It is well with my soul" serenity on my exterior.

But things are not well. I could swear a blue streak.

I understand that I am grieving. I am grieving my logical timeline in my head. Granted, the plan was progressing as expected. All the boxes of career advancement were being checked, so to speak. The doors of teaching secondary mathematics part-time were opening, one temporary contract at a time. And just when I thought I would be able to walk through, the door was slammed shut and I was pushed down to the floor. So much for the foot in the door.

It is difficult when one's future is so linked with a geographical place and the job security of another. I love you my dear children and I love your Daddy. In the end, I would choose you over a career. However, I sometimes wish it didn't have to be so black and white. I wish I wasn't called to sacrifice my dreams. And neither do I desire to create financial upheaval by uprooting all that we have built in this community so both your Daddy and I can work in a new city with no guarantee of success.

It is also challenging when you are actually talented at what your years of education trained you to become. I am a good teacher. I am not exceptional. But neither am I below average. I work hard. I take my professional obligations seriously. I invest my best to create a caring and engaging learning environment. Teaching mathematics and science invigorates me. I take risks and try things that would be deemed as innovative. And yes, it is edifying when parents, colleagues, administrators and students affirm my abilities. I thrive on positive affirmation coupled with astute feedback on how to improve my practice. Plus, the pay cheque provides monetary value on my effort.

With teaching potentially gone, it feels like a part of me had been cut out. "Vision-less" seems to describe my state. All my quips about student interactions this last year seem hollow and archaic. What is the use of dissecting the joys and frustrations about the state of education when I am not a part of the system any longer? What is the point of talking about my students when my students are history? I sound like I have retired when in reality I am no where near a decent pension and will be dependent on my spouse in the future.

So what has been my solution this far? I am going back to school to upgrade my skills. Yup, this almost mid-forty year old woman will attend classes with teenagers who are just entering their adult years. Am I excited? No, not really. I am more anxious and annoyed and scared. Do I want to study and write exams again? Nope, I rather create them. Am I at least eager to learn some ideas in my elected field of study (introductory business and accounting). I guess so...? Then, why I am doing this? Good question... because it is the only door that has opened thus far??? Because I don't want to substitute teach anymore and just supervise exams and work periods (it isn't intellectually stimulating for me and creates more anxiety than joy)??? Because I have been offered a substantial entrance scholarship which would pay more than half my tuition fees???

My family and extended family are excited for me. Well, that's something positive because in all reality I feel like Eeyore right now, the pessimistic, gloomy, depressed, old grey stuffed donkey from Winnie-the-Pooh. Yet, there is one passage of scripture that comes to mind at this moment:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule [or Eeyore], which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!" Psalm 32:8-11

LORD, help me sing and dream new dreams. Because this all feels like humble lunacy.

A postscript... since composing this email, I feel much more hopeful. Praise the LORD for His joy.

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