Good, Good Father
I am not sure what to write about these days. My intellect is weary of analyzing much, thus I lean towards the visceral in this post.
There are days I am exhausted in the roles I've embraced. The supportive wife and mother, who has shelved career aspirations to build a family life in semi-urban southwest. The responsible eldest daughter, who is viewed as a steady rock to lean on during difficult and uncertain times. The leader in committee work, who is entrusted to "get things done", while being attuned to the morale of the group.
Sometimes, I just want to be selfish, like a typical two-year old, who proclaims "Mine!" at the top of her lungs while spouting tears of fury when things don't go her way.
But I am not two. I am forty years older.
Why is it that I struggle with the urge to run away from life for a while and do whatever I want, whenever I want? Why do I let comparison assault joy? Why do I despair in my soul when by all outside standards, my life is pretty darn good?
God IS good to me. But do I believe it?
I struggle at times to see my circumstances, my responsibilities -- even the consequences of my decisions, whether positive or negative -- as good gifts from a good Father. Sometimes I am tempted to believe that God loves some people more than others, thus gifting them more lavishly than what blessings come my way. In dark moments I think, "It's not fair!!! I do all this work, but someone else gets the attention. When will God notice me???"
It seems quite infantile when I write it down, doesn't it? After all, who do I think I am anyway??? Really! It is not like I have suffered greatly, like those in regions of the world who are persecuted for their faith. I have not lost close loved ones through death. I am not agonizing from some debilitating disease. My life is very... normal... stable... full...
Therefore, this moment, I choose to embrace the words of the Psalmist:
There are days I am exhausted in the roles I've embraced. The supportive wife and mother, who has shelved career aspirations to build a family life in semi-urban southwest. The responsible eldest daughter, who is viewed as a steady rock to lean on during difficult and uncertain times. The leader in committee work, who is entrusted to "get things done", while being attuned to the morale of the group.
Sometimes, I just want to be selfish, like a typical two-year old, who proclaims "Mine!" at the top of her lungs while spouting tears of fury when things don't go her way.
But I am not two. I am forty years older.
Why is it that I struggle with the urge to run away from life for a while and do whatever I want, whenever I want? Why do I let comparison assault joy? Why do I despair in my soul when by all outside standards, my life is pretty darn good?
God IS good to me. But do I believe it?
I struggle at times to see my circumstances, my responsibilities -- even the consequences of my decisions, whether positive or negative -- as good gifts from a good Father. Sometimes I am tempted to believe that God loves some people more than others, thus gifting them more lavishly than what blessings come my way. In dark moments I think, "It's not fair!!! I do all this work, but someone else gets the attention. When will God notice me???"
It seems quite infantile when I write it down, doesn't it? After all, who do I think I am anyway??? Really! It is not like I have suffered greatly, like those in regions of the world who are persecuted for their faith. I have not lost close loved ones through death. I am not agonizing from some debilitating disease. My life is very... normal... stable... full...
Therefore, this moment, I choose to embrace the words of the Psalmist:
Lord, You have treated Your servant well, just as You promised. Teach me good judgement and discernment, for I rely on your commands. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep Your word. You are good, and You do what is good; teach me Your statutes. Psalm 119: 65-68 (HCSB)And I sing this song...