Daring Greatly in 2016

I almost ditched creating to our annual Christmas letter last year, the one we e-mail to a contact list comprised of family and friends. Why? Partly because nothing “news worthy” occurred in 2015. And partly because I get easily discouraged by the lack of responses to all the work we put in to creating the document. Yet I persevered, more for you kids, so we can intentionally document your beautiful lives and the non-material gifts God lavished on us last year. Plus I’ve come to accept (through the wise counsel of trusted others) that the social media world has resulted in more non-responders than responders. Truthfully, people just don’t have time to provide feedback to everything they read out there in the virtual world! Even I find it difficult to keep in touch with everyone on a meaningful level (and I consider myself an above average corresponder).

Once I got over myself and embraced creating our Christmas letter again, I took a personal risk in my section of the update. I wrote about vulnerability and how we as humans struggle with the concept. Specifically, I wrote:

Vulnerability is the state of being exposed. If we embrace vulnerability, we allow others to see our true selves. Not just the carefully edited sparkly stuff that is worthy of a social media post. Not just the mega crisis stuff that is often the subject of mass prayer blitzes. But the everyday, “what is going on in my heart” stuff, the part of life that happens between celebration and tragedy.

The response to my vulnerability was fascinating. It is not like I received more responses than I usually do. But rather, of the responses I did receive, most of them were from people involved in missions or church ministry. All of them provided encouragement that essentially communicated, “Thank you! It is about time someone talked about vulnerability!”

I spent December 2015 reading Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Life, Love, Parent, and Lead by Dr. Brené Brown. I owe thanks to my friend Carol who blogs at Song of Joy, who has extensively unpacked the ideas proposed by Brown and conceptualized them within a Christian worldview. Carol’s vulnerability through her posts motivated me to read Daring Greatly. I am so grateful that I did, as Brown’s research underscored so much of what I blogged through 2015: We need to be authentic with others. Perfectionism is a lie. We are enough by God’s Grace.

Daring Greatly provided an excellent description as to what people do to shield themselves from vulnerability. While there are many avoidance strategies, the three main ones found in the research are (1) foreboding joy, (2) perfectionism, and (3) numbing. As I read the descriptions, I could relate with all three. Though, I resonated with foreboding joy and perfectionism to a greater extent.

In foreboding joy, a person imagines the worst case scenario in the face of joy. We are actually vulnerable when we experience joy, in that amazing state of being where you are happy in spite of your circumstances. There are evenings when I go into your rooms, after you have fallen asleep. You look so angelic, so peaceful. I often kiss your cheek, overwhelmed by my love for you. And then – bang! – a vision of horror grips my mind. I am overcome by thoughts of you being taken away from me. Kidnappings. Disease. Accidents. I’ve seen it all, in the construct of my mind. Fear overcomes my body. Joy is stolen. I shut down vulnerability with fictitious realities that have never happened. Sounds familiar? So, what’s the “cure”? Brown’s research revealed that those who successfully “lean into” joy practice thankfulness. Sounds consistent with Biblical understanding, doesn’t it! "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus," 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

Another common shield against vulnerability is perfectionism. This vice has always been my nemesis. Brown extensively describes perfectionism, but this statement resonated with me the most, “If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Yup, that has been me most of my life. If I could just do this perfectly, then everyone will be happy. And if everyone is happy, then there will be no negative feelings directed towards me. Then I am enough. What a lie! Human perfection doesn’t exist! So, why do we spend so much time pretending like we all have it together all the time?

Brown encourages the perfectionist to move from “What will people think?” to “I am enough.” Brown exhorts the perfectionist to be kinder and gentler with herself, just like she would be with someone she cares about.

Now, this is where I struggle with Brown's research and my Biblical understandings of salvation. What does it mean to be enough in a Christian context? 

According to the Bible, the only person who has ever achieved perfection on this side of eternity is Jesus Christ (though Christ was not a perfectionist: being perfect and being a perfectionist are two different things). He fulfilled the Old Testament Law’s requirements because He knew we couldn’t. Yet, He subjected Himself to vulnerability. He accepted shame, judgment and blame for us. He died to pay for the consequences of all three and rose again, victorious over death and sin.* If we accept His sacrifice on our behalf and allow ourselves to belong to Him, then we will know that we are enough. 

But, have we always been enough in God's eye and just need Christ's grace to accept that fact about ourselves? Or is there something inherently missing in our souls that only the Holy Spirit can fill, thus making us enough? How does God view the non-believer? Wretchedly evil? Potentially good? Or both? (Because both ideas seem to be present in the Bible.) As you can see, I have much to wrestle through.

Now, let's get back on topic. There is one more common shield to describe: numbing. Feeling exposed? Experiencing difficult, dark emotions? Don’t want to face it? Then, numb yourself. Every person has different numbing strategies. For some it is drugs and alcohol. Others it is mindless television or internet surfing. Still others resort to food, shopping, workaholic-ism, promiscuity or even that trip to sunny somewhere to escape. Sadly, if you numb the dark, you numb the light. One of the solutions? “Lean into” the dark, the uncomfortable, the excruciating. Face it, with help if you need to. Find someone who will listen to you and walk through the crap with you.

I find the solution incredibly encouraging and edifying. I tend to be melancholy by nature. If you have read this blog over the past years, you will know there are times I sink low, into negative emotions. I’ll blog about it, to be real and to let myself be seen (and to hopefully encourage someone else along their journey in life – you are not alone!). And while I don’t want to live in such a state permanently, I know that sitting in the dark and living there for a while is vital for my healing. Admittedly, there are times I get annoyed with people with good intentions who try to rush me from dark to light because I’m making them uncomfortable. True, sometimes I need a good kick in the pants to stop the wallowing. But sometimes I just need to grieve well.

So I offer three cheers to daring greatly in 2016 (insert cheer here). I hope and pray that I will have the courage to be vulnerable in spite of the outcome. I want to show up and be seen. I desire the same for you.

*I understand that I am using an atonement view on Christ's work on the cross, a view that is commonly used in the Evangelical church movement. I have yet to explore other views, a quest that has piqued my interest.